How Do You Get People to Be Nice to Each Other?

Fixing a culture of gossip and dishonesty

There is almost nothing more draining than turning up to staff meetings that don’t feel real, safe, or kind.

Sometimes the unkindest behaviours come with a smile – even the guise of being generous or ‘helpful’ or nice.  

But we know when we are being stepped on so that someone can one-up themselves;

Or when a smile is really a smirk;

Or when a question is really a criticism;

Or when people are just being plain dishonest.

I have watched some of the most powerful, talented and intelligent of leaders – people who are profoundly admirable – become reduced to tears or overwhelmed by anxiety because of gossip, withdrawal, or criticisms of their character or competence. It is so unfun.

So, what do you do about it when it happens?

Whilst you won’t change people, you CAN take actions that expose the ugly and set a new tone for your team. At the Academy of Systemic Renewal, we teach strategies based on behavioural science that work to dismantle gossip and dishonesty. Here are four tips you can take into your meetings this week:

#1 – Truth is the Best Medicine for Lies

If you get into habits of sharing data and ‘your’ truth – your feelings, experiences and vulnerabilities - the lies or misinformation circling will quickly lose grip. Simply being a truthful, humble, data-driven and real human being has a way of showing up the alternative.

#2 – Talk About Your Heart

This is tricky to get right, but important. What you never want to do is have a cry in front of your peers about how much you feel hurt by the things people are saying. That could be a win for mean people. What you can do, is talk honestly about what you care about in the work you are doing, and why; how you want to improve as a person and leader, and why; the things that break your heart that aren’t about you, but are about time wasted or setbacks to achieving what matters.

#3 – Say Sorry

Only do this if you mean it – but admit when you have made mistakes. In time, people who don’t do this will begin to appear as they are: the weaker link.

#4 – Renew the Script

If gossip is a problem, go out of your way to be complementary of people in transparent, open forums. If skipping over important facts has become a norm, make a habit of presenting important facts in written form as part of the pre-reading for meetings. If hiding mistakes is a cultural norm, create a reward for staff who make mistakes, fail, and learn from it. If a lack of generosity is pervading the workplace, gift everyone an extra hour a month of support from you with their workload, or shout everyone a surprise morning tea.   

Is this ‘manipulation,’ I hear you ask? It’s not if it’s genuine, and not if you are consistent. In fact, you will be breaking the chains that are pushing people into arse-covering and self-protective comparison.

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